Weekly Recap | Apr 5-11, 2015

News & Updates at Oh the Books! Weekly Recap

Server Maintenance

Our blog will be down (Noooooo! D:) for 48 hours from 10PM CST on Wednesday, April 16th due to a server transfer. We have been encouraged by our host provider to not post any new content during this time as it may get lost during the transition, so there will be no posts going live on Thursday or Friday. It is also recommended that you do not comment during this time period as it may get lost! (Don’t worry, we’ll make sure to put a notice up in our sidebar before it happens as a reminder.) Thank you for your understanding! <3

In Case You Missed It

Here’s all the stuff that we posted this week.

  • Kelley reviewed Etherworld by Claudia Gabel & Cheryl Klam.
  • Asti put on a bookish parade for Shadow & Bone.
  • Kelley announced her decision to join the TBR Jar club.
  • Asti reviewed Death Note: Black Edition, Volume 2.
  • Cornelia stopped by discuss required reading after graduation.
  • Day Four of the Bookish Games: The Grisha Edition began.

Kelley also participated in The Best Book I Ever Read {Science Fiction}.

Our Lives This Week

In Asti’s Life…

What’s the point of completing this section of the weekly recap when one has nothing to talk about? I could repeat how I’m perpetually depressed and on the verge of breaking down every other day, but I don’t want to put that kind of stuff out there. I don’t want people to see me weak like that, to realize how incredibly negative my state of mind is, to see that my strength I had when I wrote my posts about my past with depression has completely evaporated and left me as a pile of what seems to be never-ending happiness.

At the same time, I don’t have the strength to hide it when I’m online. I have to hide it every single day with my family, where our separate issues with our mental states clash and always inevitably result in me being some cold, heartless villain. I have to hide it every single day with Dave, needing to pretend I’m stronger than what I am and that somehow I can last the next however-many-years until we may be reunited again, when sometimes I really don’t know if I can do it. I have to hide it every single day with myself, scared that if I released the floodgates of my emotions there would be more damage that I could ever handle.

I know what people will say: hang in there, it’ll get better, we love you, etc . And I appreciate every kind word, I really, truly do. But there always comes a point where you just don’t want to hear it. Where you want to shake the world and shout about how you know things may eventually get better, how you know you really don’t have it as bad as others, how you know that there are so many people around you providing support – but that it doesn’t matter. That the world is constantly tinted black by the sunglasses of depression I wear and no matter how pretty a picture the world paints for me it only shows up as pain and hopelessness in my eyes.

I hate it, I really, really do. My struggles with my internal depression only make me more depressed. It creates self-loathing, the itch for self-destructive behaviors, the need for escape. It encourages me to spend each day emotionally and mentally numb just to avoid the pain life can bring, and I can’t help but find myself withdrawing from it all – social media, blogging, life. I want to be happy. I want to live a fully functional life without having to constantly combat with my own mind. I want to be the strong, positive person that I know I can be. But sometimes those things aren’t a choice, only a dream.

So yes, what is the point of completing this section each week, especially when looking at it only forces me to realize how little of a life I have to share? There is no point. So, unless something (positive) happens in my life that I want to share, I will probably stop contributing to this section of the Weekly Recap. If you really want to know how I’m doing, just email me.

And apologies for the long, depressing ramble. I avoid my feelings so often that when I do finally give myself permission to open that door, all kinds of feels come flooding out.

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